Basics
What are boundaries? A clear explanation
A boundary is the line between what is okay for you and what is not. What boundaries actually are, what types exist, and why they are not a wall but a message.
6 min read
Editorial responsibility: Linda Bujitu · Published · Sources and editorial process
A boundary is the line between what is okay for you and what is not. It is the line between where you end and another person begins. Boundaries are about what you allow, what you give, and how you want to be treated.
In psychology, personal boundaries are described as the rules and limits a person maintains for themselves within relationships. They determine which behaviour you accept from others and which you do not. Boundaries are therefore not a rejection of the other person, but a clarity about yourself.
A boundary is not a wall. It is a message.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries are not one single thing. They run through different areas of your life. The most common types:
- Physical boundaries: your body, your space, touch, and distance.
- Emotional boundaries: the difference between your feelings and another person's. Not being responsible for someone else's emotions.
- Mental boundaries: being allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, and values, even if someone else does not share them.
- Time and energy: how much you give, when you say no, and when something becomes too much.
- Material boundaries: your possessions, your money, and what you lend or give away.
Why boundaries are not selfishness
Many people confuse a boundary with rejection. As if you are taking something away from the other person. But a boundary says nothing about the other person's worth. It says something about what you need in order to stay yourself.
Without boundaries, you lose yourself. You go along with what others want until you no longer know what you want. Assertiveness, the ability to stand up for yourself without attacking the other person, is seen in psychology as a healthy skill, not a character flaw.
What a healthy boundary looks like
A healthy boundary is clear, but not hostile. You name what you need without punishing the other person. Compare: 'I don't want you dropping by unannounced' is a boundary. 'You're stalking me' is an attack. The first protects you. The second damages the relationship.
Setting a boundary also means you can attach a consequence to having it crossed. Not as a threat, but as protection. A boundary without a consequence is just a wish.
From understanding to practising
Try it in a concrete situation
Continue with Lotte and Karim: explore responses, reflect on your own habits and choose one small next step.
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Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between a boundary and a demand?
A boundary is about your own behaviour: what you will and will not allow, and what you will do if someone crosses it. A demand is about the other person's behaviour: you are trying to control what they must do. You can protect your own boundary, but you cannot force another person.
Is setting boundaries selfish?
No. A boundary protects your space and energy so you can stay yourself within relationships. That is a prerequisite for healthy connection, not an attack on the other person.
Can you have too many boundaries?
Boundaries can become too rigid if you keep everyone at a distance and no longer let anyone in. Healthy boundaries are flexible: firm where it matters, open where it is safe.
Sources
- Alberti, R. & Emmons, M., Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships
- American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology (definition 'boundary', 'assertiveness')
- Brown, B., Atlas of the Heart (2021)
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